Not despising the caterpillar... and other things I've learned.
I'm down 73 pounds. Wow. As I type that... I realize that's a lot of weight. One thing that has happened as I've lost weight is that I've had a lot to to think about.. A lot to discover and process and explore. My feelings... for sure. But also my thoughts.
How do I view myself?
Have I magically become a "better" person because I'm thinner?
Nope.
Has the essence of my being changed because of this weight loss?
Nope.
Do I still have struggles now that I'm getting closer to my optimal weight?
Absolutely!
Losing weight doesn't change the core of who you are. It reveals who you've always been. I am finding I am truer to the self I was created to be.
Does this inherently make be a better person? No it doesn't.
I know our society has taught us to value youth, being fit and looking sexy. But here's the deal, y'all. It's still about our hearts.
Who we are doesn't alter just because we drop the pounds. BUT God can work and change your heart. He can show you who you were created and meant to be. He is helping me walk out my healing on a deeper level. He is showing me more of who I am because I'm seeing more of who He is!
I have to keep him at the center. I needed him when I was at my heaviest. I need Him now. And I need Him even when my reach my "ultimate" weight.
This journey has been beautiful. It's been painful and hard and challenging. It's forced me to take a good look at the mirror and say, "I love you... no matter what." giving myself permission to love myself now and not when I have arrived has helped me to see and understand a little more of God's unwavering, abundant love. He doesn't put limits on it. He doesn't love us more when we're skinnier and shake his head when we're heavier. He loves us.
With His love it has brought freedom to release weight. Weight I was hiding behind because I was afraid of being sexually abused again. Weight that I thought protected me. Weight that I was trapped in with all my grief, loss and pain... and trauma. So much trauma.
Trauma of losing my sister in a violent unexpected way. The trauma of seeing my children almost die on multiple occasions. The trauma of the apnea monitor alarming in the middle of the night because my child stopped breathing. The trauma of the oxygen tube getting kinked again. The trauma of one of my boys accidentally pulling out his twin brother's feeding tube. The trauma of surgery. The trauma of a c-section gone horribly wrong.
Walking through PTSD. Numbing myself with food. Or starving myself because I didn't feel worthy of nutrition. Refusing to accept the reality of the things I've walked through. I kept it all buried inside. I stuffed it down. I suppressed it. Yeah, sometimes I overate... but a lot of times I just didn't know how to even take good care of myself.
I was overwhelmed by all the million decisions.... to buy local or non-gmo or organic or be paleo or Keto... or do whole30 or a detox or wheat belly. To cut out fat or dairy or gluten or sugar. To have honey. No! honey is bad! No! It's good! To eat cage-free, vegetarian fed eggs and grass fed beef... to only eat vegetables or eat raw or juice. So many choices. So many decisions. And then when I couldn't achieve my perfect ideals I'd give up and say, "Suck it." and just eat McDonald's and cry.
Yes, perfectionism has hold me back. I've had to choose progress over perfection. I've had to look and see what's the next best choice!
I've had to learn to love myself enough to put my oxygen mask on before caring for the millions of other people and things that needed oxygen as well.
So when I look book at the caterpillar I used to be I have compassion. If I wasn't that caterpillar I would never have become a butterfly. It was a necessary part of my transformation.
So I'm taking a moment to pause and rejoice. God is at work. He is a transformational God.
Just wanted to give you hope no matter where you are at in your journey. Our God loves us and is for us. He's ready to empower you to change.
How do I view myself?
Have I magically become a "better" person because I'm thinner?
Nope.
Has the essence of my being changed because of this weight loss?
Nope.
Do I still have struggles now that I'm getting closer to my optimal weight?
Absolutely!
Losing weight doesn't change the core of who you are. It reveals who you've always been. I am finding I am truer to the self I was created to be.
Does this inherently make be a better person? No it doesn't.
I know our society has taught us to value youth, being fit and looking sexy. But here's the deal, y'all. It's still about our hearts.
Who we are doesn't alter just because we drop the pounds. BUT God can work and change your heart. He can show you who you were created and meant to be. He is helping me walk out my healing on a deeper level. He is showing me more of who I am because I'm seeing more of who He is!
I have to keep him at the center. I needed him when I was at my heaviest. I need Him now. And I need Him even when my reach my "ultimate" weight.
This journey has been beautiful. It's been painful and hard and challenging. It's forced me to take a good look at the mirror and say, "I love you... no matter what." giving myself permission to love myself now and not when I have arrived has helped me to see and understand a little more of God's unwavering, abundant love. He doesn't put limits on it. He doesn't love us more when we're skinnier and shake his head when we're heavier. He loves us.
With His love it has brought freedom to release weight. Weight I was hiding behind because I was afraid of being sexually abused again. Weight that I thought protected me. Weight that I was trapped in with all my grief, loss and pain... and trauma. So much trauma.
Trauma of losing my sister in a violent unexpected way. The trauma of seeing my children almost die on multiple occasions. The trauma of the apnea monitor alarming in the middle of the night because my child stopped breathing. The trauma of the oxygen tube getting kinked again. The trauma of one of my boys accidentally pulling out his twin brother's feeding tube. The trauma of surgery. The trauma of a c-section gone horribly wrong.
Walking through PTSD. Numbing myself with food. Or starving myself because I didn't feel worthy of nutrition. Refusing to accept the reality of the things I've walked through. I kept it all buried inside. I stuffed it down. I suppressed it. Yeah, sometimes I overate... but a lot of times I just didn't know how to even take good care of myself.
I was overwhelmed by all the million decisions.... to buy local or non-gmo or organic or be paleo or Keto... or do whole30 or a detox or wheat belly. To cut out fat or dairy or gluten or sugar. To have honey. No! honey is bad! No! It's good! To eat cage-free, vegetarian fed eggs and grass fed beef... to only eat vegetables or eat raw or juice. So many choices. So many decisions. And then when I couldn't achieve my perfect ideals I'd give up and say, "Suck it." and just eat McDonald's and cry.Yes, perfectionism has hold me back. I've had to choose progress over perfection. I've had to look and see what's the next best choice!
I've had to learn to love myself enough to put my oxygen mask on before caring for the millions of other people and things that needed oxygen as well.
So when I look book at the caterpillar I used to be I have compassion. If I wasn't that caterpillar I would never have become a butterfly. It was a necessary part of my transformation.
So I'm taking a moment to pause and rejoice. God is at work. He is a transformational God.
Just wanted to give you hope no matter where you are at in your journey. Our God loves us and is for us. He's ready to empower you to change.
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