Fearfully & Wonderfully Made

So when I started this program I had to come up with a list of why's. A list of things motivating me to change. Things that would drive me to keep going when I didn't feel like it. In June I wrote a blog post entitled Loving the Girl in the mirror. In this post I recognize that I need long-term permanent lifestyle change. I also recognized that I needed to start loving the person I am now. What's interesting is when I composed my list of Why's, I wrote that I wanted to recognize myself in the mirror. I realized at the time when I looked at the mirror I didn't recognize myself staring back. I couldn't believe the person I had become. I saw a large, sad, hurting woman who was in excruciating pain. So I don't do it often but as I was washing my hands yesterday I looked up at myself in the mirror. I had the same realization but for different reasons. I once again didn't recognize the girl in the mirror. I have been transforming. So much so that I did...

I'm down 73 pounds. Wow. As I type that... I realize that's a lot of weight. One thing that has happened as I've lost weight is that I've had a lot to to think about.. A lot to discover and process and explore. My feelings... for sure. But also my thoughts. How do I view myself? Have I magically become a "better" person because I'm thinner?         Nope. Has the essence of my being changed because of this weight loss?         Nope. Do I still have struggles now that I'm getting closer to my optimal weight?       Absolutely! Losing weight doesn't change the core of who you are. It reveals who you've always been. I am finding I am truer to the self I was created to be. Does this inherently make be a better person? No it doesn't. I know our society has taught us to value youth, being fit and looking sexy. But here's the deal, y'all. It's still about our hearts. Who we are doesn't alter just because we drop...

I had a dream last night that I ate sugar. In my dream I ate a cupcake and drank a large cup of sweet tea. I woke up with a headache. So weird. I think this new way of eating is getting into my subconscious. It's amazing to me how I have been able to jump past hurdles like Halloween, Baby Showers, Birthday Parties, and even Thanksgiving. This program really helps keep my sugar levels balanced and the cravings down. I was talking with one of my clients and she was saying that what she experiences isn't true physical cravings for food but the emotional effect she'd have from eating those foods. E.G. Chocolate- Endorphins. What she is truly craving is the effect. I can relate. As I approach my sister's birthday this week and recognize that she would have been turning 37 I realize how tempting it is to want to turn to food for comfort. For a quick fix. For a temporary high. I used to used food to reward myself and to punish myself. It was a sick cycle. Now, it...

So it's been 2 years since I posted  and my health journey continues. Full of ups and downs. Full of moving forward and setbacks. I'm grateful to say because of the concentrated fruits and veggies I take I have great cholesterol, blood pressure and am overall exhibit good health markers- thyroid, liver, kidneys, etc. Recently though my sugars have suggested what I already knew. My body is fighting becoming diabetic. It's revealing the love of sweet tea, soda and all things junk. And let's face it my addiction- sugar, sugar, sugar. So I'm taking back the steering wheel and have given up sugar, bread, pasta. Yesterday, I did splurge on a chocolate milk. Lord, help me when I'm in Italy next month... The truth is I knew I was on a crash course collision. I could feel the dizziness, shakiness, irregular heartbeat and sweating. I knew what I was consuming was in direct conflict with what I should be eating.... and yet, the stress, taking the time to prep, an...

I love how God is always bringing things together in my life. How He slowly and surely guides and directs my paths... leading me, guiding me, giving me new resources. I love how so many different things converge into one thing.... My life has been on a path of transformation for a while. I have gone from a person who struggled with what other people thought of her to one who is so enraptured by God that others opinions have greatly diminished. I have gone from a victim: of sexual abuse, of difficult circumstances to a hero of my own story who sees every challenge as an opportunity, every difficulty as another story to tell to encourage, serve and bless others and every suffering as a means to draw nearer to Christ. I have shed a lot of my perfectionistic tendencies for good enough... If something is worth doing, it's worth doing imperfectly. I am learning to run, literally. It's the craziest thing. I would never have seen myself as a runner. I'm not an elite athlete...

Some days I just want to quit. I don't want to deal with the hassle of preparing food. I just want to drive-thru and say forget about it. Today especially packing and preparing to go the zoo with Michael and Peter. I mean I was already making sandwiches for them. Why do things different for me? Why not make a PB&J since I was already doing it? I mean if I fixed a salad for myself wouldn't I look hoity-toity amongst the other moms with their sandwiches and bags of chips? So I told myself. Just do it. Just keep doing it. Don't worry about what others think. Don't cave into the easy and simple. I fixed myself a salad and cut up strawberries and apples that I knew I could also share with the boys. Some almond butter to dip my apples in. I know some days I "fail". Sometimes I have setbacks. Sometimes I cave and have a dessert splurge or a sugary coffee drink with a friend. But the difference is I don't call it quits when that happens. I get right ba...

My husband recently came home from a trip and was enthused about us trying a new lifestyle... Primal Blueprint by Mark Sisson. (It's Paleo with a twist.) So we bought two books. Primal Bluepring and the 21 day total body transformation. I was amazed at how he talked about how we are killing our bodies with overproduction of insulin that causes us to store fat and have inflammation throughout the body. After reading the first book I was trying to decide when was a good time to start. This past Monday I decided enough's enough and I started. I cleared out the pantry. Gone went most of the carbs and other pitfalls to our new eating style. I still kept a couple of boxes of cereal for the kids and their granola bars, etc. I went grocery shopping and loaded the cart with fresh salmon, vegetable and grass-fed beef. I could tell detoxing from carbs was hitting me on Monday and severely on Tuesday. Headaches, dizzy, fever, sluggishness. I continued eating primal anyway. We have pe...

So the sad thing is I finished the 12 weeks and I weighed more than when I started. The good news is I have been consistently working out and I love doing weights! Yay! It's been over 15 weeks now that I have worked out a minimum of 3 up to a maximum of 6 days a week. I really am in the swing of it which is nice. I'm looking forward to school starting to have a set routine so I can plan better what I'm eating and when. And also to have a same schedule/set time for exercise. I've been having a hard time falling asleep lately... which has led to sleeping in... which has created a vicious cycle of staying up late and then sleeping late. Blah. Trying to fight that one. Especially before school starts up again. School days start early- 5:30 a.m. to be exact. We have to get everyone up, dressed, fed, school things gathered and down to the bus stop by 6:20 a.m. Whew. It's quite the exercise! I think the big thing I've been struggling with is emotional eating. A...

Mike and I have been faithfully following the Body-for-Life challenge for 4 weeks now! It hasn't always been easy and we haven't always been perfect but overall we're doing it and I feel like we're changing. Changing what we eat. Our exercise habits. Even what we drink. Coke is for our off day! I look forward to Saturday nights. We enjoy a 24 hr day off from Saturday evening til Sunday evening. It's part of the program. When I'm tempted to feel left out or deprived I will say to myself, "Hey, you can have it Saturday night or Sunday afternoon." Often by the time I get to my free day I couldn't care less. Must confess I'm excited my birthday falls on a Sunday... this Sunday.

So after playing the yo-yo game for a bit I had a change. I gained 15 pounds. Yippee. (said in monotone, flat ironic voice). Yeah, I got on this new medicine that was supposed to not affect my weight and bam... the pounds came on. This was discouraging after working out 3 days a week for an hour and a half a stretch (cardio & weights)... and the pounds came on. It wasn't like I felt like I was gaining true fat weight but just getting puffy everywhere. I think I had retained a ton of water. So, that happened and then I went nuts. I was like, "Fine, go ahead... if you're going to pile on me anyway then I'm going to enjoy it." So while in Florida I managed to eat ice-cream everyday and overeat in general. Silly, silly girl. Get back on the horse. We got home last night and today I already started back to exercise... and self-discipline. Eating good healthy foods full of protein, nutrients, vitamins, etc. I am praying and asking God to help me... help me t...

A part of me... a rather large part, at that, is tempted to say that I'm a failure! In some ways that is true. I have not been very successful in going down on the scale. BUT what I have been successful at is maintaining the same weight. This might not seem like a big deal but for me that is HUGE. I usually find that after a few months after having a new baby that I stop losing weight and start gaining. And I have not done that! I have held fast. I've been up and down a few pounds for the past, oh, about 6 months. BUT, I have not added 20 + pounds to my frame. And that, my dear IS SUCCESS! I'm excited though to move forward. I have recently (as of a few days ago) completely stopped nursing. There were a few reasons for quitting... and primarily they were for my health... The disadvantage is I "lose" all those extra points I got for nursing. The plus side though is that I know exactly the amount of points I truly have for each day. There's no if, and or ...

I have been frustrated with myself at my inability to be consistent but thankful for persevering through the ups and downs of the past several weeks. I lost 2 pounds at my weigh in. I knew I had gained weight last week... but I didn't weigh in because I went out of town. So I've really probably last 3 pounds or so. Yay! I've been trying to rethink what I traditionally eat. If I want cereal at night for dinner I have that. I love having p.b. with graham crackers instead of a "regular" dessert. Some times a bowl of home-made on the stove oatmeal with craisins and walnuts and brown sugar is more filling and satisfying than other equal point meals. I try to make sure I have enough protein... one of my favorite ways is Greek yogurt. Mmmm. So good. I love Chobani's Greek yogurt, blueberry and strawberry are my favorite.

I don't know what happened but between wedding, Easter, hospital, etc. stuff I just managed to get into the habit of not tracking and emotional eating. This week I got back into tracking but haven't had a chance to exercise. i guess the point though is to keep on keeping on!