Fearfully & Wonderfully Made

8th months and I'm 107 pounds down. Image on left October 7, 2019 Image on Right May 11, 2020 So where have I been? I was doing okay posting on my blog and then I stopped in February... and then time just went on and  March was all Covid... and then April and May (more lockdown) so I've been just riding the ride. And then two different friends said remarkable things to me today. One encouraged in me my writing. And one reminded me that I had a gift to give. You see I've been a bit frozen. A bit afraid of saying the wrong thing in this stressful climate. When Covid first hit and quarantine and shelter in place became a thing there was a part of me that felt pretty shallow talking about my weight loss updates. There was also a part of me that felt like "who cares what I eat? The world is ending!" And there were times where I totally failed. I overate popcorn and almonds y'all. I was emotionally eating. I was struggling. Mike laughed. He was lik...

I had a dream last night that I ate sugar. In my dream I ate a cupcake and drank a large cup of sweet tea. I woke up with a headache. So weird. I think this new way of eating is getting into my subconscious. It's amazing to me how I have been able to jump past hurdles like Halloween, Baby Showers, Birthday Parties, and even Thanksgiving. This program really helps keep my sugar levels balanced and the cravings down. I was talking with one of my clients and she was saying that what she experiences isn't true physical cravings for food but the emotional effect she'd have from eating those foods. E.G. Chocolate- Endorphins. What she is truly craving is the effect. I can relate. As I approach my sister's birthday this week and recognize that she would have been turning 37 I realize how tempting it is to want to turn to food for comfort. For a quick fix. For a temporary high. I used to used food to reward myself and to punish myself. It was a sick cycle. Now, it...

I'm thankful that even now before the throne of God there is One who lives to intercede for me. Pizza will never fill the hole in my heart. Only God can. What does intercede mean? to act or interpose in behalf of someone in difficulty or trouble, as by pleading or petition: to attempt to reconcile differences between two people or groups; mediate.  I don't know about you but I need an intercessor. There is no way I could, on my own, make myself right with God. Jesus is my Savior, my Redeemer, and my Intercessor. He is every pleading on my behalf. I'm not left to manage myself alone.  My heart has been hurting lately. Yesterday was a day of pizza temptation. I had this huge hole in my heart that was looking for comfort and my kids had pizza for lunch and dinner. I've been able to look past what they're eating pretty easily... but yesterday was different. I wanted COMFORT... and comfort looked like PIZZA. BUT I SAID NOPE! I didn't give in t...

It's been amazing all the different things that have come to the surface since I'm no longer eating my feelings. I find myself trying to find new ways to numb and distract myself. Mainly Facebook/Instagram/Pinterest. So I'm having to set a timer and let myself be on for 10 minutes and when the timer goes off I get off. I'm not going to replace a bad habit with another bad habit! I also see myself wanting to turn to my phone to kill time instead of doing the things I need to be doing... it's like I'm bored while being busy! It's been so interesting being raw and vulnerable. I feel like I'm completely open to any kind of attack. I've had to keep turning to the Lord and asking Him to be my covering. To be my shield. My protector and defender. My help in time of need. Yesterday I was down for the count. Peter had come with a virus/bug and passed it on to me and Mike. Thankful I was able to sleep a lot of the day. I chose to still do my fuelings and l...

So, I woke up this morning and knew it was time to get on the scale. I've been following the program to a T... but would it pay off? DOWN 8.4 lbs. and 6.5 inches in one week! Bringing myself to a total of 18.4 lbs lost in the past month! I had a few moments of weakness but have not been hungry. Focusing on getting all my fuelings in and enjoying making my lean and green meal. Today I made zucchini noodles with 5 oz of lean ground beef and a 1/4 cup of organic spaghetti sauce... so satisfying! I've hardly had any cravings. The occasional garlic mashers or fries is tempting, along with Brie cheese... but I find that it's not a physical temptation as much as it is an emotional one. I want to eat comfort food. I want to stuff down my feelings. I want to numb myself on a Sunday afternoon after church so I can zone out. I want to eat the pancakes my family is eating at IHOP. But I didn't. I ate a grilled chicken salad and whenI got home I took my chocolate chip pancak...

I'm so excited!!! I found a nutritional plan that will work with my life and will allow me to eat every 2-3 hours and lose weight big time and today after a month of thoughts I decided to take the first step and join!  I'm eager to retrain my brain to get away from emotional eating and to surrender my obsessive thoughts on food. I'm thrilled to fuel my body with dense nutrition, giving it what it needs to run well. I'm starting my before pics/weight/measurements now. But I can't wait to see the results. I can visualize the changes I'm making and that I'm going to see huge results because of this plan. I have a week to go before I can start but I love how my mind is already thinking new thoughts. Change is coming. Change is happening. The Lord is at work! I'm so thankful to God for bringing me to the right thing at the right time.

So the sad thing is I finished the 12 weeks and I weighed more than when I started. The good news is I have been consistently working out and I love doing weights! Yay! It's been over 15 weeks now that I have worked out a minimum of 3 up to a maximum of 6 days a week. I really am in the swing of it which is nice. I'm looking forward to school starting to have a set routine so I can plan better what I'm eating and when. And also to have a same schedule/set time for exercise. I've been having a hard time falling asleep lately... which has led to sleeping in... which has created a vicious cycle of staying up late and then sleeping late. Blah. Trying to fight that one. Especially before school starts up again. School days start early- 5:30 a.m. to be exact. We have to get everyone up, dressed, fed, school things gathered and down to the bus stop by 6:20 a.m. Whew. It's quite the exercise! I think the big thing I've been struggling with is emotional eating. A...

So after playing the yo-yo game for a bit I had a change. I gained 15 pounds. Yippee. (said in monotone, flat ironic voice). Yeah, I got on this new medicine that was supposed to not affect my weight and bam... the pounds came on. This was discouraging after working out 3 days a week for an hour and a half a stretch (cardio & weights)... and the pounds came on. It wasn't like I felt like I was gaining true fat weight but just getting puffy everywhere. I think I had retained a ton of water. So, that happened and then I went nuts. I was like, "Fine, go ahead... if you're going to pile on me anyway then I'm going to enjoy it." So while in Florida I managed to eat ice-cream everyday and overeat in general. Silly, silly girl. Get back on the horse. We got home last night and today I already started back to exercise... and self-discipline. Eating good healthy foods full of protein, nutrients, vitamins, etc. I am praying and asking God to help me... help me t...

Questions to ask myself before I eat... Am I... HUNGRY? ANGRY? LONELY? TIRED?

I don't know what happened but between wedding, Easter, hospital, etc. stuff I just managed to get into the habit of not tracking and emotional eating. This week I got back into tracking but haven't had a chance to exercise. i guess the point though is to keep on keeping on!

tired. emotional. wanting instant gratification. The past several weeks have been a struggle. For some reason I keep turning to food for comfort. It satisfies... for a little while... and then I'm left with that same empty, gnawing ache. Only God can fill these deep needs and provide comfort in the midst of sorrow & suffering. Only He truly satisfies. I've been reading an excellent book entitled, "Gotta Have It!: freedom from wanting everything RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW!" It is reminding me of my excessities... things I turn to for false comfort.

It feels good to be "back on track" writing down what I'm consuming and being more mindful of points. I LOVE this lifestyle. I don't feel guilty when I'm eating something sweet and yet I am more conscious of what I really want. Is that worth THAT amount of points. Somethings are and somethings aren't. One thing that can be challenging is trying to be flexible. Yesterday I was right on track and had planned a nice fish dinner (in my head)... but when I had to unexpectedly take a child to the doctors it ended up being McDonalds on the menu. I didn't despair. I chose things in my points range and survived. I could have been tempted to despair and think, "Oh well, might as well get the combo... and maybe a hot fudge sundae too.) BUT I didn't. I chose a value fry and a sandwich.... and was satisfied. Learning how to deal with my emotions and relationship with food has been challenging but my goal is slow persistence and perseverance not an intense but ...

When out of control the best thing to avoid being around is cupcakes. My emotions ran away for the past two weeks. Between my brother's wedding, Valentine's Day, and Samuel's birthday.... and all the emotions of the events... well, let's just say I fell off the horse. So now I'm getting back in the saddle. I didn't plan to fail but without a plan I did fail. So now I am coming up with a plan. It's funny how when you're disciplined everything seems to fall in line... you drink your water, eat well, exercise, get sleep. But somehow when you don't sleep, you eat more sugar, stop drinking water... It just all falls apart. The good thing is I realize how much my perfectionism plays into this. I was so upset that I missed a couple of days of journaling what i ate and drank that I decided to just not mess up my book by not having it in order... that I just stopped journaling. Crazy me. I'd rather have a messy journal than a messed up plan... But anyway....

Oh man. I didn't eat great this past week. a combination of not drinking enough water... eating sugar which triggered more eating and especially craving sugar.... and pure exhaustion. I didn't get to go to a WW meeting because I was busy on Friday taking Samuel to radiation and then CHKD. So I need to go get weighed and see what the "damage" is. I don't even feel motivated to change. I just want to eat sugar and sleep. I'm so tired and so emotional and weary. It's hard to fight my feelings. It's hard to take time for myself. No chance to exercise. Blah blah blah. Well, today is a new day. And this is the point of WW... it's there to help keep me accountable and encourage me to change and learn moderation and discipline. It's not a diet. It's a lifestyle. And this is my reality... there will be ups and downs and it's OKAY!!! So, to get back on the horse...

I ate a lot of sugar yesterday. I used probably all my extra points that I'm allotted for the week. It made me feel sick and crummy. I don't want to do that again. Not only do I have to focus extra hard on what I eat this week... but it wasn't worth it. Blah. When I'm not moderate I feel crappy. I think I was sad & looking for comfort. I kept thinking I was just giving myself a break and being "free"... but really I was just a captive. Yuck. Live and Learn, right?

I'm wrestling my emotions like I'm trying to pin a huge alligator. I get it to the ground and I think I have it under control and then suddenly before I know it it has escaped and is snapping at me with a voracious hunger leaving me to once again try to figure out how to tame this wild beast. How to get my arms around it once again... Oh to be free of these crazy and wild feelings. The intensity of sadness and grief leaves me empty... the way I love to fill this emptiness is with food. So lately before eating I try praying and drinking some water. And instead of picking comfort foods I will try and satiate it first with fruit. A banana or apple with p.b. or maybe protein drink or a piece of cheese with a couple of crackers. There are times though (and you ladies know what I mean) where I "need" chocolate. I found a little treat that is satisfying and helps... It's by quaker and called True Delights. I have the chocolate and raspberry which is a favorite comb...