tired. emotional. wanting instant gratification. The past several weeks have been a struggle. For some reason I keep turning to food for comfort. It satisfies... for a little while... and then I'm left with that same empty, gnawing ache. Only God can fill these deep needs and provide comfort in the midst of sorrow & suffering. Only He truly satisfies. I've been reading an excellent book entitled, "Gotta Have It!: freedom from wanting everything RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW!" It is reminding me of my excessities... things I turn to for false comfort.
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Up....
When out of control the best thing to avoid being around is cupcakes. My emotions ran away for the past two weeks. Between my brother's wedding, Valentine's Day, and Samuel's birthday.... and all the emotions of the events... well, let's just say I fell off the horse. So now I'm getting back in the saddle. I didn't plan to fail but without a plan I did fail. So now I am coming up with a plan. It's funny how when you're disciplined everything seems to fall in line... you drink your water, eat well, exercise, get sleep. But somehow when you don't sleep, you eat more sugar, stop drinking water... It just all falls apart. The good thing is I realize how much my perfectionism plays into this. I was so upset that I missed a couple of days of journaling what i ate and drank that I decided to just not mess up my book by not having it in order... that I just stopped journaling. Crazy me. I'd rather have a messy journal than a messed up plan... But anyway....
Suged out.
I ate a lot of sugar yesterday. I used probably all my extra points that I'm allotted for the week. It made me feel sick and crummy. I don't want to do that again. Not only do I have to focus extra hard on what I eat this week... but it wasn't worth it. Blah. When I'm not moderate I feel crappy. I think I was sad & looking for comfort. I kept thinking I was just giving myself a break and being "free"... but really I was just a captive. Yuck. Live and Learn, right?
The bare truth.
Emotional eating is a huge struggle for me. I feel like I'm doing fine coping with all the stress of my life... dealing with anxiety and at times panic and depression... but I'm not. How am I coping with it? I'm eating. I'm eating through the pain. Eating through the sadness. Eating through the loneliness. Eating through the regret and then I'm loathing. I loathe myself for doing this. I don't want to overeat. The problem is I don't even feel "full". I never even feel stuffed. I feel like I could just keep eating and eating and eating. It makes me so mad. I can do really well and exercise and take my vitamins and drink water. I can be sure to eat a large salad with tons of fresh vegetables and a delicious balanced breakfast, etc... but when it all comes down to it I will eat the wrong things later as an attempt to satiate the pain inside me. I will eat the goodies and sweets that I know are calorie loaded. It breaks my heart. this...