Fearfully & Wonderfully Made

8th months and I'm 107 pounds down. Image on left October 7, 2019 Image on Right May 11, 2020 So where have I been? I was doing okay posting on my blog and then I stopped in February... and then time just went on and  March was all Covid... and then April and May (more lockdown) so I've been just riding the ride. And then two different friends said remarkable things to me today. One encouraged in me my writing. And one reminded me that I had a gift to give. You see I've been a bit frozen. A bit afraid of saying the wrong thing in this stressful climate. When Covid first hit and quarantine and shelter in place became a thing there was a part of me that felt pretty shallow talking about my weight loss updates. There was also a part of me that felt like "who cares what I eat? The world is ending!" And there were times where I totally failed. I overate popcorn and almonds y'all. I was emotionally eating. I was struggling. Mike laughed. He was lik...

So when I started this program I had to come up with a list of why's. A list of things motivating me to change. Things that would drive me to keep going when I didn't feel like it. In June I wrote a blog post entitled Loving the Girl in the mirror. In this post I recognize that I need long-term permanent lifestyle change. I also recognized that I needed to start loving the person I am now. What's interesting is when I composed my list of Why's, I wrote that I wanted to recognize myself in the mirror. I realized at the time when I looked at the mirror I didn't recognize myself staring back. I couldn't believe the person I had become. I saw a large, sad, hurting woman who was in excruciating pain. So I don't do it often but as I was washing my hands yesterday I looked up at myself in the mirror. I had the same realization but for different reasons. I once again didn't recognize the girl in the mirror. I have been transforming. So much so that I did...

I'm down 73 pounds. Wow. As I type that... I realize that's a lot of weight. One thing that has happened as I've lost weight is that I've had a lot to to think about.. A lot to discover and process and explore. My feelings... for sure. But also my thoughts. How do I view myself? Have I magically become a "better" person because I'm thinner?         Nope. Has the essence of my being changed because of this weight loss?         Nope. Do I still have struggles now that I'm getting closer to my optimal weight?       Absolutely! Losing weight doesn't change the core of who you are. It reveals who you've always been. I am finding I am truer to the self I was created to be. Does this inherently make be a better person? No it doesn't. I know our society has taught us to value youth, being fit and looking sexy. But here's the deal, y'all. It's still about our hearts. Who we are doesn't alter just because we drop...

I had a dream last night that I ate sugar. In my dream I ate a cupcake and drank a large cup of sweet tea. I woke up with a headache. So weird. I think this new way of eating is getting into my subconscious. It's amazing to me how I have been able to jump past hurdles like Halloween, Baby Showers, Birthday Parties, and even Thanksgiving. This program really helps keep my sugar levels balanced and the cravings down. I was talking with one of my clients and she was saying that what she experiences isn't true physical cravings for food but the emotional effect she'd have from eating those foods. E.G. Chocolate- Endorphins. What she is truly craving is the effect. I can relate. As I approach my sister's birthday this week and recognize that she would have been turning 37 I realize how tempting it is to want to turn to food for comfort. For a quick fix. For a temporary high. I used to used food to reward myself and to punish myself. It was a sick cycle. Now, it...

I'm thankful that even now before the throne of God there is One who lives to intercede for me. Pizza will never fill the hole in my heart. Only God can. What does intercede mean? to act or interpose in behalf of someone in difficulty or trouble, as by pleading or petition: to attempt to reconcile differences between two people or groups; mediate.  I don't know about you but I need an intercessor. There is no way I could, on my own, make myself right with God. Jesus is my Savior, my Redeemer, and my Intercessor. He is every pleading on my behalf. I'm not left to manage myself alone.  My heart has been hurting lately. Yesterday was a day of pizza temptation. I had this huge hole in my heart that was looking for comfort and my kids had pizza for lunch and dinner. I've been able to look past what they're eating pretty easily... but yesterday was different. I wanted COMFORT... and comfort looked like PIZZA. BUT I SAID NOPE! I didn't give in t...

So I've experienced week 2. A lot more energy which has been amazing! I've had my moments of fighting sadness and depression, which kind of surprised me. It's amazing what you feel when you're not eating your feelings. When you actually let things surface. I realized I was really upset when I got Samuel's INTACT clinic appointment reminder. INTACT stands for Individuals Thriving After Cancer Treatment. Most of his appointments don't knock for me a loop but this one does. We have to go over all the effects of the chemo and radiation. It can feel very scary and overwhelming and make me anxious about the future. But God doesn't call me to live in the future. He says He is I AM! Which means I need to be here. Right now. Present. Right where I am. So I had to work through that. I also went to a banquet dinner this week. I took the pears and blue cheese off my salad and ate the spring mix without dressing. I passed on the crostini and the hot rolls. I ate ...

Oh my goodness friends. I have so much energy. It blows my mind. Energy in the morning for sure... but I still have energy at the end of the day. I'm dancing in my kitchen by dinner time. I noticed I could bend over with ease to get pots and pans out of the cupboard... before I used to yell for one of my children and ask them to reach for me! I'm marveling at God at work. Can this really all happen from a change of nutrition? I can't believe I don't have cravings! I'm not a sugar monster. I'm not even sweating approaching holidays. I'm learning what I can substitute and an am enjoying feeling my body- get naturally hungry and then fueling it! I know I'm only on Day 12 but I just feel a whole new lease on life. It doesn't feel like work to get out of bed. I'm genuinely joyful in spite of roadblocks, hiccups and inconveniences. How can God be doing this good work in me? Oh my goodness! I just got to stop and praise Him for a moment. ...

I'm so excited!!! I found a nutritional plan that will work with my life and will allow me to eat every 2-3 hours and lose weight big time and today after a month of thoughts I decided to take the first step and join!  I'm eager to retrain my brain to get away from emotional eating and to surrender my obsessive thoughts on food. I'm thrilled to fuel my body with dense nutrition, giving it what it needs to run well. I'm starting my before pics/weight/measurements now. But I can't wait to see the results. I can visualize the changes I'm making and that I'm going to see huge results because of this plan. I have a week to go before I can start but I love how my mind is already thinking new thoughts. Change is coming. Change is happening. The Lord is at work! I'm so thankful to God for bringing me to the right thing at the right time.

I woke up at 4 a.m. and couldn't go back to sleep. One of those wide awake mornings plus my sweet love snoring beside me, make a great combination = wake-up time. So how many times can I reset myself? How many times can I start over? Try again? Begin Afresh? The Lord tells us His mercies are new every morning and I think it's the permission I need to hear to be reminded that I can start again, today, now, this very moment. This journey has been far from perfect. Far from ideal. But what I love is that God has graciously walked with me and shown me new truths and old truths in fresh ways. Today, I'm choosing to love myself as I am. Not for who I will become but for who I am today. I'm grateful for this body that can move and take me places, that breathes for me, that cycles blood, eliminates toxins, and allows me the nutrition I need to be healthy. There are so many paths to take when it comes to weight loss. But I know the foundation remains the same- a lifest...

I love how God is always bringing things together in my life. How He slowly and surely guides and directs my paths... leading me, guiding me, giving me new resources. I love how so many different things converge into one thing.... My life has been on a path of transformation for a while. I have gone from a person who struggled with what other people thought of her to one who is so enraptured by God that others opinions have greatly diminished. I have gone from a victim: of sexual abuse, of difficult circumstances to a hero of my own story who sees every challenge as an opportunity, every difficulty as another story to tell to encourage, serve and bless others and every suffering as a means to draw nearer to Christ. I have shed a lot of my perfectionistic tendencies for good enough... If something is worth doing, it's worth doing imperfectly. I am learning to run, literally. It's the craziest thing. I would never have seen myself as a runner. I'm not an elite athlete...

Emotional eating is a huge struggle for me. I feel like I'm doing fine coping with all the stress of my life... dealing with anxiety and at times panic and depression... but I'm not. How am I coping with it? I'm eating. I'm eating through the pain. Eating through the sadness. Eating through the loneliness. Eating through the regret and then I'm loathing. I loathe myself for doing this. I don't want to overeat. The problem is I don't even feel "full". I never even feel stuffed. I feel like I could just keep eating and eating and eating. It makes me so mad. I can do really well and exercise and take my vitamins and drink water. I can be sure to eat a large salad with tons of fresh vegetables and a delicious balanced breakfast, etc... but when it all comes down to it I will eat the wrong things later as an attempt to satiate the pain inside me. I will eat the goodies and sweets that I know are calorie loaded. It breaks my heart. this...